The Illegal Café at the Edge of the Anthropocene
Coming soon: We are registered with the Eat Out to Help Out Scheme, so get a 50% discount when you dine al fresco at our café, from 3-31 August 0002035.
The Illegal Café at the Edge of the Anthropocene is a franchise of The Big Bang Burger Bar (built at the very beginning of time) & Milliways; The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, led by celebrity Head Chef Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
This stable of restaurants is widely acknowledged as one of the most extraordinary ventures in the entire history of catering. At Milliways, customers travel through time in a bubble projected into the future at the precise moment at the end of the universe. Guests take their places at tables and eat sumptuous meals, whilst watching the whole of creation explode about them.
At all of our restaurants you will be able to dine with a fascinating cross-section of the entire population of space and time, whilst easily maintaining adequate social distancing via the distortion of Quantum Gravity generating a swarm of events in which time and space do not exist. No prior reservation is necessary as you can arrive for any sitting you like, because you can book a table retrospectively, when you return to your own time. All you have to do is deposit one penny in a savings account in your own era, and when you arrive at the edge of time, the result of compound interest means that the fabulous cost of your meal has been paid for. Before you arrive, you have already left, you may have jumped through many millions of years, but will have stayed in the same place. Therefore, you can join us as many times as you like without the embarrassment ever meeting yourself.
We have already built a dedicated clientele at The Illegal Café since opening in 2035, and we look forward to welcoming you to the extraordinary experience of fine dining at the edges of time.
The Great Lunch Forward at the Café of Perpetual Cultural Revolution
The senior management team of the Illegal Museum of Beyond is thrilled to announce the reopening of the Cafe of Perpetual Cultural Revolution.
A turbulent period of proletariat led recrimination has resulted in many personnel changes in which imperialist remnants were overthrown, recipes purified, and bourgeois apologists exiled. The denounced former regime (the Capitalist roader Adams and his counter revolutionary clique of fascists, perverts and drug addicts) had attempted to infiltrate our grassroots movements in order to exploit and corrupt young minds. With the vigour and vitality of youth, the kitchens were purged; power seizure groups dismantled the ruling elites with revolutionary fervour. Once achieved, the workers extended the cleansing to officials with questionable loyalty, including reactionary intellectuals, elitist scholars, lazy curators and dishonest scientists. These revitalising forces ensured that class enemies, counter revolutionary revisionists, propagandists, and representatives of the bourgeoisie were exposed through the forensic microscope of self-criticism and were then eradicated.
The Café of Perpetual Cultural Revolution has rejected all traditional dogma and the counter revolutionary menus of the previous Museum Café. Our revolutionary committees are on hand to serve you a carefully curated selection of food and drink, while continuously rooting out revisionists collaborators that attempt to sabotage the great lunch forward.
Milliways; The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (1 review)
Reviewer: Zaphod Beeblebrox (Date of visit: 170 thousand million billion years CE)
As soon as you come into this dive, you seem to be held in some sort of amazing force shielded temporal warp thing......imagine this napkin as the temporal universe and the spoon as a trans-dunctional node in the matter curve.....Why don't we say this wineglass is the temporal universe...never mind do you know how the universe began... you get a large round bath made of ebony, it's conical, you fill it with a fine white sand and when it's full you pull the plug out and it all twirls down out of the plug plughole. You film it happening, then you throw the film in the projector backwards so what happens is you see that everything appears to spiral upwards out of the plug hole and fill the bath. It may not be how the universe began, but it is a marvellous way to relax.
[Adams, D., 1978. Fit the Fifth, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. BBC Radio 4 programme.]
The Museum Café at the Edge of the Anthropocene (7 reviews)
Reviewer: Jimmy The Bird (Date of visit: 0002036 CE)
Ursula and Kurt are regular visitors to the museum café where they eat sausage rolls and drink tea. They toy with time and discuss the objects they have seen. A stuffed orange and yellow bird sits over the door to the tearoom. The bird originally thought to be a phoenix turns out to be a seagull that had landed in a vat of curry, a chance occurrence that redesignated the narrative of the chicken tikka thief forever. Even if we rise up as a phoenix, deep inside we all seagulls covered in curry.
Reviewer: Madonna Kay (Date of visit: 0002034 CE)
I’m sitting here with three lurchers, mongrels bred by poachers on a re-wilding project, as a legal loophole following a ban on the use of Royal hunting dogs. I like lurchers, they keep coldness out and beasts where you want them.
Reviewer: Zoltar the Multiversal (Date of visit: 0002022 CE)
I did find it rather intrusive that pier's hermit watches people from his spot on the café roof, observing their ability to answer questions they have not been asked, and judging them.
Reviewer: Len Planck (Date of visit: 0002020 CE)
Fine dining always stands at the edge of the apocalypse, in the time of COVID there is nothing as precedented as fine dining at a time that is thought to be unlike any other.
Reviewer: Jimmy The Bird (Date of visit: 0002037 CE)
Len Planck is not a talkative man, when eating his lunch of Jamaican fish and beaujolais nouveau, he will gaze down and savour the sound of every churning mouthful. When interrupted, he says menacingly ‘I don’t like talk and I don’t like talkers’. He is not very well-versed in street talk.
Reviewer: Jherek Carnelian (Date of visit: 0001993 CE)
Although it is sometimes nice to travel through time, most people find genuine times and places less interesting than the reproductions we create for ourselves. This avoids contradictions between our mixed assumptions about times and places and the less meaningful realities experienced in multiversal time travel.
Reviewer: Madonna Kay (Date of visit: 0002050 CE)
Along with all the seething zoo of microbes within us and with us, I can’t wait till my gut bacteria give me notice to quit, then we are all screwed
Stop Press: Breach of Copyright
The role of Douglas Adams in the creation of the Restaurant franchise is now subject to civil legal action for copyright infringement. Following our successful attempts to send the copyright application for the ‘Restaurant at the Edge of Time’ backwards in time to 0001954 through a temporal loophole, we have retrospectively copyrighted the concept. This demonstrably predates claims made by Adams as the creator of the concept in the broadcast and publication of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy in 0001978. Due to the incomprehensibly complex cosmic copyright laws, we are currently clarifying jurisdiction for the infringement of Deddf Hawlfraint, Dyluniadau a Phatentau Cymraeg 0002036 / Welsh Copyright, Designs and Patents Act though the Wales Criminal Justice Board. To see if the franchise restaurants can be successfully sued for infringement of these laws